30A to Become One Way Starting this Weekend

Scenic Highway 30A will soon be a one-way road

Following a year and a half of complaints from a handful of shot-out residents, and a plethora of cyclists, the Department of Tourist Transportation has decided to begin the transition of Scenic Highway 30A to a one-way road on Labor Day Weekend.

The plan is to maintain the right side of the road for auto traffic, while converting the left lane to cycles only.Oneway

“The DOTT analyzed 30A for a conversion to one-way westbound traffic and found it feasible, doable and pretty smarmy,” spokesman Nicholas Hamarobi said. “All we really gotta do is throw up a few signs and BAM, it’s done.”

When asked about why Labor day weekend seemed like the best time for implementation, Hamarobi said, “lately, we have been falling behind on our projected highway deaths for holiday weekends. This seemed like a good way to boost those numbers. You know, no one really likes to fall short of their goals.”

The agency also found that placing about 382 speed bumps between Chan’s in Watercolor to the V in Seagrove to be a pretty good idea for helping Seaside® Businesses gain more exposure…which is probably the most important thing that anyone could do around here.

“If this works well for Seaside’s® businesses,” Hamarobi continued,  “then we may entertain adding more speed bumps in Rosemary and Alys Beach.”

This news follows years of whining by local cyclists who had been lobbying to lower the speed limits on Scenic 30A.

“30a as been plagued with reckless people driving and speeding by us cyclists while shooting us birds for far too long,” Jan Jimmy Jam Brandemer said. “Improving traffic safety for the cyclists…I mean residents and tourists should be a top priority. I am proud to have spent most of my recent retirement fighting for these much-needed improvements. The one-way conversion and addition of speed bumps will make our area safer for all of us.”

We asked Mr. Brandemer about the speed bumps being added and he said, “Yeah, that wasn’t really part of what were going for…”

There are millions who oppose the measure. All of which were completely caught off guard by the announcement.

“What? Are you serious?,” Alys beach resident Alyoysius Marriott said. “That is idiotic.”

Another local, who wished to remain incognito said, “That’s almost as dumb as changing the parking ordinances for local businesses.”

A recent Florida Highway Safety report shows that there will be no real benefit to the change, but as many of us know, logic rarely finds it place in decisions of this nature.

“What we really need here is a comprehensive study of South Walton,” some other dude (we cannot remember his name) said. “Making an entire highway a one way street is going to be extremely problematic… to only use one lane for motorized traffic is going to be a disaster.”

 

The implementation will begin at midnight on Friday, August 29th with the addition of new signs and should end with a few crashes and deaths by Labor day.

 

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Author: Ripple Van Buren

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