Heisman Winner, "sex was consensual, but the crabs were not."

As many of you have already heard or read, Jameis Winston was cited recently for “forgetting” to pay for his crabs at Publix. Eye witness accounts, however, tell a much different story.

According to a confidential (and probably unreliable source) named Ethel, “That guy was in a consensual relationship with the seafood clerk. How do I know?” she asked as if we actually had asked her. ” Because he is up here all the time holding up the mullet line, trying to give her a drink of his roofy-colata and playing around on that I-pock or whatever it’s called. I am at this Publix every Wednesday for ‘Double Coupon Day’, so I know.”

When asked, the seafood clerk vehemently denied that the “sex was consensual” (even though we never mentioned sex), and that “if he got the crabs, then that’s what he gets for theftin.” BmfzTjWIYAETva8.jpg large


Since this is all a manufactured story and we didn’t really make an attempt, Winston could not be reached for comment, but other eye witnesses concurred that Winston did frequent this Publix and did in fact enjoy “getting the crabs as often as possible.” Apparently he was a bit shellfish and would refuse to share them with others.

A dorm mate, who asked to be “named anonymous” said, “that dude is always out tapping something.” I mean, being a star quarterback and Heisman winner has it benefits, right? “He is always getting stuff like contact lenses and STDs for free. Sometimes he brings it back and shares with us, but he never shares his crabs. Which is a good thing, I guess.”


In a related story, Steve Spurrier stated that he would no longer refer to FSU as “Free Sneakers University” (which was a reference to a sneaker stealing incident that happened during Bobby Bowden’s tenure). Spurrier now proclaims that “Free Shellfish University” is more applicable and that Jameis is in fact a “special” kind of dumb.

A very special thanks to the people of the internet for the images.

Author: Ripple Van Buren

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