A rag-tag collection of self-professed community leaders, entrepreneurs and at least one person who claims he once worked for the CIA (but is not allowed to talk about it unless a movie comes out) have opened the latest chapter in Hwy. 30a’s penny-dreadful series of ill-advised business ventures.
Calling themselves BITCH ESKORTS (“Business Individuals Training Celebrity S***Heads to Evade the Spotlight and Keep Out of Real Trouble”), the firm is tackling what they call one of Florida’s (and, perhaps, the entire country’s) most pressing problems—how to keep famous people from screwing up in public.
According to promotional literature, any celebrity who needs BITCH ESKORTS can call the toll-free number (1-800-IFYOUNEEDBITCHESKORTSTHENYOUBETTERCALLUSRIGHTNOWMOTHERF***ER) and a 24/7 handler will be assigned to not only follow him or her around but also “slap the black, yellow, brown, and/or white off their dumb ass” before they can do anything which might be embarrassing when reported on the news the following day.
Company founders were inspired by Jameis Winston’s father (Mr. Winston—no one knows his first name) who, after Jameis’ most recent arrest (whichever one that was), was quoted as saying “he’s supposed to have someone around him 24/7. He’s a Heisman Trophy winner, so (he’s) definitely not supposed to be by (himself.)’’
The company says initial response to their opening has been positive. “The phone’s are ringing off the hook,” said spokesperson Billi Rubin (who asked that his name not be used but screw him, we don’t care), “although most of the calls are from guys who think BITCH ESKORTS is a prostitution ring. We try explaining it to them, but sometimes it just doesn’t come across. So we send Fat Opal over. What the hell, she need the bucks and we get a cut.”
Despite the initial confusion, the company already has an impressive client list. “In addition to Jameis Winston, we’ve also signed up Justin Bieber, Jay Z and Alec Baldwin,” Mr. Rubin said, exhibiting understandable embarrassment.
In addition to entertainers, the company has also begun branching out into the political arena. “We’ve recently initiated talks with the Republican National Committee. It’s an election year, so they don’t want anyone making any more stupid comments about homosexuals, rape, abortion, global warming…or climate change…or whatever they’re calling it these days.”
When asked if BITCH ESKORTS would likewise sign up with the Democrats, Mr. Rubin said there was no point. “They already have 24/7 handlers,” he told us. “Namely the mainstream media. Why would the Democrats need us if their bloopers never get reported in the first place?”