The well-loved and widely-respected people of Seaside, FL announced today that they have been asked by the Obama administration to help combat the spread of the Ebola virus.
“It’s pretty simple, really,” a spokesperson for Seaside, FL told us. “They want to keep people who have been to Africa or exposed to Ebola out of the country, right? Well, who knows more about putting people in their place and keeping them out of our place than us here in Seaside, FL?”
“After we get set up on the US border and in international airports, we’ll declare ‘No Parking for Anyone From Africa,” the spokesperson continued. “Then we’ll take everyone’s temperature before we let them through Customs. And because we don’t judge folks based on sexual preference, temperatures can be taken orally or anally. And for those concerned about cross contamination, we have a brand new box of Kleenex Anti-Bacterial Sanitizing Germ-Free Hand & Body Wipe Cleansers® here for wiping down the thermometers after every other use.”
“Not only that, we have a mug shot of the Ebola, so if we see anyone with this crawling all over ‘em, we’ll know we’re onto something.”
A member of the the administration eagerly confirmed the story.
“It’s a win-win,” a White House insider confirmed. “The folks in Seaside, FL have no problem with keeping anyone out that they don’t want in—especially people coming from Africa. Plus most of Seaside, FL votes the wrong way anyway, so if everything goes south, we can just blame it on Fox News or Rush Limbaugh and go back to fund raising. No muss no fuss.”
Our insider went on to say that, “if this works out, we’re thinking of bringing in the residents of Freeport to combat ISIS…or ISIL…or whatever we’re calling them this week.”
“After all, they have that big-ass gun store right there on 331 so we know they’re well-armed, and the guys that hang out in there are kinda scary…with their big guns and big, climate-harming, gas guzzling vehicles. Plus, Freeport High School has a pretty decent varsity team, so they should have no trouble handling the junior varsity at ISIS”
For further information, the White House referred us to their public relations office at Comedy Central.
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