Santa Rosa Beach, Florida. – 30A Police say a local man, who was walking out of Friday’s premier of the New Star Wars Movie, was apparently bludgeoned to death by a group of nerds with toy light sabers.
Resort security guards responded to a 911 call Friday evening around 9:53pm. The caller stated that some nerdy dude was being repeatedly hit about the face and ears by 27 “other nerdy folk” with toy light sabers.
According to witnesses, the individual who was on the receiving end of this “ass whoopin”, was leaving the theater and allegedly shouting spoilers about the new Star Wars film at people standing in line.
One eye witness, who insisted that we call him Sith Lord Steve said, “this guy deserved it. He saw all the Liam Neesen Memes on Facebook like everybody else. He knew what would happen. He truly had the force awakened on his ass and I was glad to see it. ”
Family members of the victim were not immediately available for comment, but in a statement to local media they identified the victim as “Darth Nerdgasm.” The statement further stated that “he had legally changed his name after the announcement of the new Star Wars trilogy”and that if they called him by his birth name, which was Kevin, “he would shock us with his magical dark side shocker thingy.”
After further investigation into this “magical thingy”, we found that this item is more commonly referred to as a taser.
A family friend, who would only speak to us under a guarantee of anonymity said, “there is no doubt that the guy had gone over to the dark side. He was full of fear and of course, fear leads to anger, anger leads to pain, and pain leads to the dark side…and the dark side leads to spoilers…and spoilers during a Star Wars premier will get you beat like a rented mule. I often told my wife that I had a bad feeling about this guy.”
Neighbors who lived close to the victim all agreed that he was “one strange dude” who barely bathed and spent entirely too much time talking to himself about Star Wars and other “nerdy stuff.”
Local authorities said that no charges will be filed against the 27 other nerds involved, and Grand Boulevard Police Chief, Hanover Solo said, “the guy got what he deserved and justice has been served. Doing something like that is like beating a Wookie in Space Chess.”