Santa Rosa Beach: The Hilton Family of hotels are generally thought to offer a reliably clean and comfortable oasis to travelers throughout the world. If you dig a little deeper, however, you may find that the Hampton Inn (a division of said family of hotels) is even more evil than anything on this entire planet.
At least that’s the way many locals in South Walton County, Florida feel.
If you’re like me, you’ve probably stayed in a Hampton Inn at some point in your life. Hell, I used to prefer them, but after seeing how many of my neighbors feel about it, I am completely and utterly confused…and that’s not outside the norm.
According to many South Wallions (or is it SOWaltons…I’m not totally sure… well, anyway), the Hampton Inn brings bad joojoo to every neighborhood it inhabits. With its vicious take on the continental breakfast, their beastly rooms, the beds covered in a satanic plethora of pillows, the free porn distribution system (or as most would call it -“Free WIFI”), and their swimming pools filled with the blood of water demons, the Hampton Inn is obviously a shrine to all things demonic. Cleverly disguised in neutrally toned stucco, these hotels bring darkness that will apparently steal a community’s soul. WOOOooooooo.
Given the moral enigma and our unhealthy fear of evil things, we asked our cracked-out team of barely paid researchers to compile a very scientific list. Our team surveyed the most vocal of locals (hee hee, that rhymes) and asked them to compare the evil of the Hampton Inn to that of known evil entities. The control group was only asked to buy us a beer and one of those awesome po’boy sammiches at The Marigny.
Below you’ll find the results of this extremely scientific survey:
- 75% of non-atheist respondents believe that Satan is less evil than the Hampton Inn: For those few locals that still believe in the Holy Trinity, apparently Beelzebub is much kinder and gentler than a chain hotel. “He doesn’t need national advertising or an offering of memory foam beds to spread his evil ways,” said one local musician who used to be kind of a big deal, “at least Lucifer will trade you something for your soul. The Hampton Inn just takes it by building 4 stories of affordable accommodations.”
- 82% of respondents thought the Motel 6 would be better than the Hampton Inn: Tom Bodett has a really soothing, down home-style voice and if he’s kind enough to leave the light on for us then obviously he has to be less evil than a moderately priced Hilton family hotel, right? That’s exactly how 82% of our panel felt. As one respondent put it, “a Motel 6 would be better than Hampton Inn any day of the week.”
- 100% of respondents wearing FSU apparel said Jamies Winston is less evil than the Hampton Inns: Stealing crab legs, being involved in sex scandals, and shouting profanity is not a big deal these days…especially if your name is Jimbo Fisher and/or you pull for Seminole football.
- 63% would rather have Hitler, Pol pot, Saddam and Khadafi have summer homes in their neighborhood than have one 4 story Hampton Inn: Millions killed by evil dictators cannot even begin to compare to the kind of damage that the Hampton Inn can do to your exclusive resort area and locally owned businesses. “The Hampton Inn will convert our exclusive beach neighborhoods into waterfront ghettos quicker that you can say “Heil Hitler!”, said one panelist.
- 98% said that the Hampton Inn was even more evil than a Taco Bell/Natty Lite Hangover: One Alys Beach resident swears that the “screaming toilet willies is a far superior option and definitely a more attractive situation” than having this hotel built on sacred South Walton soil.
As you can see, opinions on the matter are really, really, really, really, strong…and maybe a bit unreasonable. Like many folks fear, having the Hampton Inn on 30a could be that slippery slope that leads our community into becoming a clone of Panama City Beach…or even worse, Miramar Beach. Which, by the way, is also in South Walton County and weirdly enough has a Hampton Inn. Spoooooky!