Okay gang, it’s almost that time of year where all of you crazy college folk load up like a bunch of border-crossing illegals and head south. As a courtesy (and because we have had some trying Spring Break experiences ourselves), we thought we would throw you some hints to make your Spring Break totes awesome.
1) My house: Yes, as much as I love to par-tay, it is probably in your best interest to stay away from my place. I am older now, I have a 6 year old kid with an early bed time, and I do not take kindly to you young whippersnappers and your rap music trespassin’ on my lawn. No I won’t call the cops, but I may unload an arsenal of firearms in your general direction. Yes I know you’re young and bullet proof, but I wouldn’t recommend you testing that theory. Now, if you want me to join you, a funnel and your best buds some where away from my house, let me know and this old dude will show you how to binge drink like a PRO.
2) That Frat Boy or Sorority Girl’s Condo: Yep, he/she is hotter than whoever is considered hot these days, but more than likely, you’ll be doing the boardwalk of shame the next morning. Of course if you’re a dude, that may be a point of pride…but if he/she’s willing to slice you off a piece of that pie, he/she probably has given out entirely too many pieces already. As a result, you may be taking home more than a really cool story about your sexual adventures.
3) That biker bar at 3:00 in the morning: Yes it is still open. No it’s not a good idea for your drunken a$$ to be rolling up in there with your Kappa shirt on. Again, we know you’re bullet proof, but your weakness may very well be knives. So unless your mommy and daddy are financing your education with all the crap they stole as members of a biker gang, just say no.
4) The liquor store or over 21 club…if you’re not of age: That fake ID may get your schnapps and Mad Dog 20/20 from Jonathan’s Taco Shop back at school, but it ain’t gonna cut it up in here. Yes we know that Dan the Time Machine Man makes a great fake ID, but that crap won’t pass the test. This is Florida bro – we know a fake one when we see it. Not only will you lose your liquor connection certificate, you might even end up in jail.
5) Speaking of jail…avoid that: 1,000’s of college kids from all over come to the Florida panhandle every year to blow off some steam. Some of those kids act really stupid. Our advice: If you prefer to have your fun without aggravated sodomy and orange jumpsuits, then don’t be stupid.
6) Dying: We have already established that you are bullet proof, but guess what? You’re not. Wanna know what else you can’t do? Fly off the 10th floor balcony, drink an entire bottle of hard liquor in 15 minutes, catch a shark with your bare hands, and/or ride on the roof of your best buds pickup while beach cruising. Technically I guess the latter four can be done, but all of the above are avenues for partying with Jesus.