On May 1st, 2020, Daniel Uhlfelder, an attorney in Santa Rosa Beach, Florida who is already infamous for being a professional pot stirrer, decided to dress as the grim reaper and begin a beach hangout tour on the beaches in Florida that have just reopened.
According to multiple news outlets, Mr. Uhlfelder’s stunt is an attempt “to remind Floridians of the importance that we stay home and protect one another.”
While we here at 30ascene.com will refrain from expressing an opinion on Mr. Uhlfe…(holy crap, that name is a bitch to type…we’re going to just refer to him as DU from this point on.) …Mr. DU’s antics, we have found one individual who is willing to speak out.
Ladies and Gents, let us introduce you to the next stage in Florida fun, Mr. Fat Florida Jesus. Mr. Jesus is a Santa Rosa Beach Florida man who feels led, compelled, and obligated to lend comfort to those impacted by Mr. DU’s antics.
According to Mr. Fat Florida Jesus, who prefers to keep his real name under wraps, “Mr. DU (he said the name, but we’re still not typing it…) is acting symbolically as death, and of course, death can be scary to old people, children, and people doing too many keg stands at frat parties. I see no better way to counteract the impact of death than by dressing symbolically as the only person to have conquered it, Jesus.”
When asked about his plan, Mr. Fat told us that he would just follow Mr. DU around the state, and “bring comfort to those that have been traumatized by Mr. DU’s cry for attention. Plus, I enjoy attention as well….so, win/win.”
When questioned about exactly how he would be bringing comfort, Mr. FFJ said, “well… historically speaking, fat dudes with beards always bring comfort to people. Think about it! Santa’s a fat dude, John Goodman is a fat dude, Chris Farley was a fat dude and hell, even that Grimace McDonald’s monster/creature is a fat dude…(what in the wide world of sports is a grimace?)…Anyway, people love fat dudes…especially kids and old people. Combine being fat with dressing as one of the most loved figures since the 0th century, and it becomes the difecta of comfort…. just like a big ol’ fluffy lazy boy recliner after Thanksgiving dinner.”
“I will also,” he continued as we were trying to sneak off, “be laying hands of healing….well, not literally…figuratively from a distance of 6 feet, of course…because I’m not really Jesus, and I don’t have real superpowers like he did.”
Anyway, I think we’ve all gone a little off our rockers with this shutdown. Maybe it is time to get back out there…if for nothing else, but to view all the nutcases crying for attention. Could be very entertaining. Y’all stay safe out there.
This article is meant as satire, humor, and/or for entertainment purposes only. Any mentions, likenesses or resemblences to people, either real, historical, or imagined, is purely coincidence. If you have trouble understanding humor, then we will ask Fat Florida Jesus to heal you and instill one in your psyche.